すばる | No Face


I got my tattoo on my 23rd birthday.

I'm sure I've shared pictures of it here and there, but it's sequence showing the phases of the moon. It was meant to symbolize "This too shall pass", which felt like a very important message to myself because of the things happening in my life at the time. 

It was! It is.

A friend mocked me, saying, "This doesn't represent passage of time. It represents a cycle. You're saying life is cyclical, and bad things will keep happening." 

Was he right? Maybe. Meh. My interpretation of it was more important to me. To me, I was right. 

Now I wonder if he was right too. 

Life is pretty cyclical and that's wonderful in some ways and terrible in others. 

Wonderful because... I didn't think I'd have a second chance at an idol fandom. I still love my old men idols, but it felt very much like the ship had sailed after my T&T group imploded. But now I have BTS and EXO and new friends and new flail and, most importantly, I get to hang out with my old friends in the best way possible. It's silly to be so serious about something like this, but I do cherish it deeply. I'm grateful. I'm really lucky to receive so much love on a daily basis ♥ 

Terrible because... all the things I cried about in 2003 and 2008 and 2011 and 2013 and 2016, I'm crying about now too. Sometimes in new and exciting ways, sometimes in a tune so familiar it's like it never left. 

The new and exciting ways first.

I don't fit in here. 

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すばる | あ!

11:15 PM

(CW: Graphic depictions of sexual assault and abuse in links, some non-graphic references to some of that stuff elsewhere)

It's 11:15 PM on Sunday night and what I should be doing is panicking because I have two final papers due in the next three days and I'm super behind on my writing schedule (due to a combination of unrealistic deadlines and anxiety-fuelled procrastination). And I am, don't worry, but that's a story for another day.

Right now, I have a lot of Thinky Thoughts that are both too long and too private for Twitter. I guess the downside of posting here is nobody will see it (and I desperately want people to see so I can talk about this), but oh well. I can't post this on Twitter tonight and that's that.

This story was published yesterday. As soon as I read the first line, I immediately knew who the reporter was talking about. 

I don't know the victim personally, but Hyderabad is a small enough city that I'm sure I'll find that we have a minimum of three mutual friends, at least one of whom went to school with her. I actually only know her because surfing Indian Twitter led me to her Instagram a few weeks ago and I spent an hour or so watching her Stories and reading her posts. She seemed nice enough, but the moment of homesickness passed, I decided I didn't really want/need to follow her and moved on. So it was Extremely Weird to suddenly see her being the subject of this article. 

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すばる | No Face

Ryo-chan ♥

click on the sparkly staaaars~
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I'm keeping my fingers (and toes and eyes --> <_>) crossed, I hope you get to go to shiny places and meet more shiny people this year <3333 Especially in December :D (Kidnap Subaru for me? He's tiny enough to fit into a box >.> I promise to take good care of him X: X: X: I'll feed him and pet him and walk him and buy him porn and everything!!). ... ... ... (OR YOU SHOULD MAIL YOURSELF TO ME. :D I LIKE THIS IDEA *_*b)
I hope all day today, you're like this:
because you deserve all the sparkles and shiny and rainbows and HAPPY EITO THINGS <3 and pandas you get today. Because I say so.
(Don't listen to the silly alot, he's just not very good at expressing his uncontrollable delight <3)
And flying panda whale glomps <3
SO, UM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY I hope you have a sparkletasticshinyexplosionsfilledridiculous day of awesome.
'Til cyborg pandas and/or JE's sudden but catastrophic demise do us apart and maybe even not then
すばる | No Face

Sleep is for the weak!

One thing I absolutely love to ramble (and be rambled at) about is Eito's Junior era. I don't really know a lot (or enough) and most of my information comes from SCP, this post by takarai_karin, Ricci's Subaru speculation post, mikan_purin_ame's... entire journal, lol and this loooong conversation with pashoshi when I first got into fandom (ignore my flaily "O HAY MINNA!!!111!" wapanese please >.>;;;;;;;;). I also spent a fair bit of time reading now-defunct LJs and forums and oooold article translations and then generally rambling at anybody who'd listen to me and making people tell me things. Oh and lol, Dreamin' Blood XD A lot of information is clearly questionable and nobody really knows what happened besides Eito themselves (lol this sounds like a mafia movie plot), so~

There was some talk on Twitter a few weeks ago about attempting to formulate a timeline of Eito's activities from when they joined JE, so I'm going to get started on that here :D Pleeease add/correct/delete as required :D I'm adding Takki and Tsubasa and other people in wherever required, considering how pretty much everybody was connected to everybody else for a short while. Plz to at least skim through so I don't feel like a dweeb for spending six hours on this? XD;;;
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すばる | No Face

It's never going to be like it could've been, but maybe that's a good thing.

I finally caught up with Joker last week and episode 06 made me think about some things that I usually try to block out, which is why I've been really emo lately. Even though I've already flailed it out in private, posting publicly (...or as publicly as a locked post can get anyway! XD) might be good for me, so :X

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It took me longer than it should have to type this up because my hands just won't stop shaking and I burst into tears midway, but I wanted to finish and pashoshi held my hand and... done.

Sort of related: watching dramas that bring up this issue is a different experience for me than for most people, especially when a lot of it remind me of things that have actually happened to me or somebody in my family. I could very easily not watch them or not write/read depressing fic and not have to think about it. But I don't, because... you can't hide from life, you know? Stuff happened, you just have to try your best to move on and maybe someday, you'll stop failing and be normal too. Also, I'm really intrigued by how people show/write stuff like this and how they think it works.

A lot of the time, I play down or pretend this never happened, because I wouldn't be able to go on or smile if I kept thinking about it. But it'll get better. When I grow older, I will be stronger~