I got my tattoo on my 23rd birthday.
I'm sure I've shared pictures of it here and there, but it's sequence showing the phases of the moon. It was meant to symbolize "This too shall pass", which felt like a very important message to myself because of the things happening in my life at the time.
It was! It is.
A friend mocked me, saying, "This doesn't represent passage of time. It represents a cycle. You're saying life is cyclical, and bad things will keep happening."
Was he right? Maybe. Meh. My interpretation of it was more important to me. To me, I was right.
Now I wonder if he was right too.
Life is pretty cyclical and that's wonderful in some ways and terrible in others.
Wonderful because... I didn't think I'd have a second chance at an idol fandom. I still love my old men idols, but it felt very much like the ship had sailed after my T&T group imploded. But now I have BTS and EXO and new friends and new flail and, most importantly, I get to hang out with my old friends in the best way possible. It's silly to be so serious about something like this, but I do cherish it deeply. I'm grateful. I'm really lucky to receive so much love on a daily basis ♥
Terrible because... all the things I cried about in 2003 and 2008 and 2011 and 2013 and 2016, I'm crying about now too. Sometimes in new and exciting ways, sometimes in a tune so familiar it's like it never left.
The new and exciting ways first.
I don't fit in here.( Collapse )
(CW: Graphic depictions of sexual assault and abuse in links, some non-graphic references to some of that stuff elsewhere)
It's 11:15 PM on Sunday night and what I should be doing is panicking because I have two final papers due in the next three days and I'm super behind on my writing schedule (due to a combination of unrealistic deadlines and anxiety-fuelled procrastination). And I am, don't worry, but that's a story for another day.
Right now, I have a lot of Thinky Thoughts that are both too long and too private for Twitter. I guess the downside of posting here is nobody will see it (and I desperately want people to see so I can talk about this), but oh well. I can't post this on Twitter tonight and that's that.
This story was published yesterday. As soon as I read the first line, I immediately knew who the reporter was talking about.
I don't know the victim personally, but Hyderabad is a small enough city that I'm sure I'll find that we have a minimum of three mutual friends, at least one of whom went to school with her. I actually only know her because surfing Indian Twitter led me to her Instagram a few weeks ago and I spent an hour or so watching her Stories and reading her posts. She seemed nice enough, but the moment of homesickness passed, I decided I didn't really want/need to follow her and moved on. So it was Extremely Weird to suddenly see her being the subject of this article.( Collapse )
( Collapse )
It took me longer than it should have to type this up because my hands just won't stop shaking and I burst into tears midway, but I wanted to finish and pashoshi held my hand and... done.
Sort of related: watching dramas that bring up this issue is a different experience for me than for most people, especially when a lot of it remind me of things that have actually happened to me or somebody in my family. I could very easily not watch them or not write/read depressing fic and not have to think about it. But I don't, because... you can't hide from life, you know? Stuff happened, you just have to try your best to move on and maybe someday, you'll stop failing and be normal too. Also, I'm really intrigued by how people show/write stuff like this and how they think it works.
A lot of the time, I play down or pretend this never happened, because I wouldn't be able to go on or smile if I kept thinking about it. But it'll get better. When I grow older, I will be stronger~